10 Douchebags You Meet on the Elevator
Every place has douchebags, and the elevator is no exception. Here are 10 douchiest douchenozzles you'll find on the Shanghai lift.
Being outright pushed is one thing that we have come to expect. You could be standing on the street, in a bar, or in the office walking space, and be shoved. But at least it's a thing. It's much better than being 'slightly touched' by someone who is making the conscious choice to make contact and touch you, as opposed to moving their hand or elbow 0.5cm in the other direction, and not touch you.
Your reaction to this shows your time in China. Year one, you moved away. Year two and you tutted. Year three, you gave up caring and felt the touch. But thereafter you said out loud "stop touching me", in case holding it in any longer gave you a hernia.
Eating with your mouth closed is boring. Eating while sitting down is boring. If you can eat the breakfast right out of the plastic bag, in the elevator, then everyone can hear you chomping. That means that you have won that day's game of 'breakfast' and everyone knows it.
Asian TV is basically the best. Korean dramas show us that everyone in Korea is constantly in tears. Local news reports always show us (1) there is a big problem somewhere overseas and they can't solve it, (2) a local criminal committed a crime and was caught for it, and (3) something new has been built and we should all be grateful for it.
Get updates on all of these, at full volume on someone else's phone, as they watch it in the elevator without earphones on.
There's always one floor that is an IT company or such, which has exclusively male employees. You see them on the street at lunchtime, all matey, smiling and joking around. The only problem is that they all want to get in the elevator at the same time, and they're all obese from the IT diet of Coke, fried noodles and Coke.
The MSG and sugar super-combo also whips them into a frenzy, meaning that you must cower in the corner as they bellow office in-jokes and shout wildly about how delicious Coke is to each other, becoming more and more excited as the elevator nears the office fridge.
You haven't had your coffee or tea, but this colleague doesn't even need coffee or tea because LIFE'S SO GREAT AND IT'S MY NATURAL HIGH! GOOD MORNING! HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?!?!?
To do this to another person at 9am shows cruelty like no other.
Owning a bike isn't a 'thing'. We own shoes but we don't make our entire outfit and persona about shoes. Elevator space is so bizarre. We don't own it, so we can't say "I don't want to move 10cm to my left", but this is how we feel when Cyclist Dick makes *everyone in the elevator* change their position just because he is a social outcast and feels the need to take a hobby-machine as his method for daily professional transportation.
"Yes Mother I'm just going out the house to make new friends!"
*walks to random office elevator and waits for whitefolk*...
"Where are you from?"
If you're an old man with a colonoscopy bag and the posture of a jumbo shrimp, you're forgiven. For everyone else, use use the freaking stairs when traveling from floor 12 to 13. And you wonder why Shanghaiers are increasingly shaped like xiaolongbao.
It's 9:59am. Your meeting's at 10. You might be able to make it by a nose hair. Then the elevator opens and ruddy-faced workmen use a cinderblock to prop open the door so they can cram it full of IKEA dressers, hot rivets, dead yaks and god knows what else like it's a mobile Hoarders house. You don't see us riding up a construction crane lift with our blazers and green tea macchiatos, do you? If you're lucky, a hawk-eyed security guard will usher them to the service elevator. But most don't receive the proper "freight training," forcing you to feel like you're trapped underneath Sichuan Earthquake rubble for 20 floors. Speaking of which...
Do you even 'lift', bro?
This means about 99% of elevator users. First off, elevator designers are geniuses. No less than 100% of elevators on Earth have these little lights on - both outside and inside - the elevator doors. This means you don't need to look like a f*cking moron saying "is this lift going up or down", to the people inside, who don't care about you.
Also, get this: even though you are the centre of the entire universe; the elevator may need to stop at other floors. So while you are watching Korean people crying at each other on your phone at full volume, you MIGHT need to check the handy floor indicator (again, thanks elevator designers!), to see that it is stopping at your floor, instead of just zombie-shuffling off as soon as the door opens.
The 11 Dishes We'll Miss Most After We Leave Shanghai
7 Types of Expats You'll Meet in Shanghai